Last night I had a dream.
I woke up in tears, because I dreamt my baby girl had moved away for college.
And that, my friends, is how I know that there are only 1,27l6 days until she is college bound!
It looks like a big number, but in the grand scheme of things, that’s not very many days!
Excuse me while I go make the rest of today count!
What do you do to nurture your relationship with your kiddos?
Tomorrow is picture day at school, so tonight I tried to give Mr J a haircut. He’s had a couple “professional” haircuts in his earlier days, but here lately I’ve been the one wielding the clippers! It’s been a fairly simple ordeal. We sit him in a bumbo (yes, his toosh is still small enough to fit) and sit that on a folding chair. I prop a tablet with VeggieTales (or Blues Clues) playing in front of him and clip away. The whole thing from start to bath time usually only takes about 15 minutes. He sits and watches, I clip and snip, then he gets to splash in the tub!
Tonight was a very different story.
Tonight he sat, we had Blues Clues going, but he was NOT having it. I managed to get the top of his head (where the longest hairs were) with the clippers between his wriggling, hollering, twisting and crying. I didn’t even get to touch the sides or back. At all. This is even with me clipping as fast as I can and his Daddy holding his arms so that he doesn’t hurt either of us. When I gave up with the hair cutting endeavor and let him head over to the bath, round 2 started.
We stripped him down and showed him that behind the shower curtain, the water had already been filling the tub. He stepped in and of course, it was a tad too chilly for his taste, so he stepped or rather climbed back over me and out of the tub. Hairy as all get out and wet now too! I warmed up the water and we got him back in the tub. He was NOT interested! At all! Not even a little bit. But he’s got little bitty hair all over him and needs a bath!
I’m there, kneeling beside the tub and he climbs up on me. Wraps his arms around my neck and his legs around my waist and clings to me as if his life depends on never letting go! I manage to get some shampoo in my hands and start washing his hair ( all while he hangs onto me, screaming bloody murder, with my hovering his little self over the side of the tub)
I think that this is when Tommy and I realize that one of us is going in. So, he jumps into the tub and sits to try to get John to sit in the water. Tommy eventually manages to get John calmed and bathed. I clean up the hair from… Everywhere in the bathroom that was just cleaned today! Sigh!
So, for the record, just in case you were wondering… It takes two grown adults to bathe a 4 year old boy who is experiencing sensory overload. The cartoon playing, buzzing and vibrations from the hair clippers, and the hair falling onto his face was all just too much!
It’s a miracle we all survived!
Let’s just hope his pictures tomorrow turn out to be as cute as the last ones!
My son has autism.
Not the mathematical genius kind.
But not the physically and mentally disabled kind either.
So, not the “easy” kind,
But not the “super hard” kind either.
He has the kind that makes him need to wear headphones at church to muffle the music, because it hurts.
He has the kind that makes him need to regulate his environment by hitting sticks or spoons in front of his face when he is really excited or tired or stressed or a TON of other emotions!
He has the kind that makes his voice not work when and how his brain tells it to. So he doesn’t talk.
He has the kind that makes looking into my or your eyes very difficult for him.
He has the kind that keeps me up at night thinking, worrying and yes, praying over his future.
He has the kind that makes him wander away, especially in larger crowds of people.
He has the kind that’s required multiple weekly visits with speech and occupational therapists since before the age of 3.
He has the kind that makes him touch so many things to his lips just to feel it’s texture so he catches every single germ bug that flies around.
He has the kind that makes him have to bend down and feel the gravel in every single parking lot he gets into.
He has the kind that makes a double stroller a necessity for family outings even though he’s almost five and his feet can drag the ground!
He has the kind that makes him have to sit in a shopping cart seat even though it’s becoming increasingly difficult to fit his long legged self into it just to stay safe at the grocery store.
He has the kind that makes doctor visits, therapy appointments and insurance calls a regular occurrence for our family.
He has the kind that makes apples a favorite food, but applesauce can’t be within a 10 ft radius of his mouth.
He has the kind that makes him never get dizzy no matter how many times in a row his Daddy flips him upside down and spins him around.
He has the kind that makes Facebook memories a difficult thing when he used to do so many things that he now can’t.
But it won’t always be this way….
Because he has the kind that makes drinking milk from a carton a success story worthy of sharing!
Because he has the kind that makes tickles and cuddles the highlight of our days.
Because he has the kind that makes his big sister want to “play” with kids as one of her grown up jobs.
Because he has the kind that makes swinging bring out the biggest and brightest smile you’ve ever seen!
Because he has the kind that keeps me on my knees all day long!
Because he has the kind that makes me believe in miracles …
And because I see them happening every single day.
*fyi there is no “easy” or “super hard” autism …. Just variations and degrees of disability on our different walks through life!
I didn’t know!
I didn’t know it would be the last time I would buckle you into the car seat you came home from the hospital in.
I didn’t know it would be the last time I would unlock and carry you in on my arm, 20 lb car seat and 27 lb baby boy.
I didn’t know it would be the last time you would lift your fat little arms, unable to wait to be lifted from the seat.
I didn’t know it would be the last.
I didn’t know, even so…
I hold you tight as you snuggle into my arms.
I hold you close as you drift to sleep, milk dribbling down your chin.
I hold you tight and smile when you clap and raise your hands!
I watch you close when you toddle away, grinning and giggling all the way.
I watch you close because I never know when it will be the last.
You see, my darling, you are my last.
My last baby.
My last newborn.
My last toddler.
My last first everything.
So I’ll cherish every first and every last.
I’ll cherish every second, third and fourth.
I’lI cherish every smile and every laugh.
I’ll cherish every moment from here forward.
He came back to me.
Just a few short days ago (March 2016) I took my J out to the playground area. This type of activity is usually a pain in the rear for me because it’s in a wide open area, there are usually streets nearby with cars driving to and fro, sometimes other kiddos and parents that don’t have a clue about autism or non verbal children that are flight risks… And sometimes I just wanna do what I used to do with my firstborn… Sit on the bench… But I can’t because my man J is a runner! Not like a lazy jog in the park, or even a fast walk for some cardio, but a full on sprinter that can go for marathon lengths! He’s fast! He doesn’t slow down. He doesn’t stop! He doesn’t turn around, he doesn’t even make a sound!
So… I don’t sit on the bench.
I climb the stairs and slide down the slide with him.
I stand at the base of the slide to see that silly, sly, but oh so shy smile burst across his beautiful face as the wind flies through his hair.
I catch him as he lands in a heap on the green grass and promptly redirect him from the vast expanse of openness he sees before him to the stairs around the jungle gym only to remind him once again to “climb up, up, up the steps!” It’s exhausting being this mom!
Side note: How is it I don’t ever stop, yet the calories continue to collect in places on my body I’d rather they stay away from?
I’m so tired, but I can’t stop! I can’t turn away and even stare at the other moms with envy as they sip a cappuccino or flip through a magazine, or scroll Facebook because the moment my eyes leave his little frame, he will feel that, he will sense that and he will perform yet another magical disappearing act!
But… Just a few short days ago I took my J out to the playground area.
There were no streets nearby, there we no other kiddos and their enviable mommies, there was just the two of us… My little man J and I! But I didn’t sit and watch him. I climbed up, up, up the steps and slid down right behind him. I walked around and caught him up in my arms at the end of the flight down the slide and walked with him around the jungle gym again, and again, and again till I didn’t. I sat down IN the center of the play area and watched him fly down the slide with a little giggle escaping the often silent mouth and relished the sweet sound in my ears. I almost closed my eyes with a sigh, but then he noticed the freedom before him
And he ran. Full speed ahead, feet flying through the green crunchy grass, never a stop in sight running! I called his name out as I scrambled to pick myself up and get out of the play place designed for bodies much smaller than mine. Calling his name with a bit more fear in my voice because he doesn’t stop… and running after him STILL calling his name.
And then he stopped.
He turned and looked at me and I had no idea what to do next. This was uncharted waters for us! He runs till I catch him, he doesn’t stop! I call his name till I catch him, he doesn’t look back!
Suddenly I hear my voice say “We can go inside the house or you can keep playing over here on the playground. What do you want to do?” He just looks at me. I repeat myself thinking, “that’s pretty smart to have been a spur of the moment idea” and he looks at me. Ok, so I will try one more time. I repeat again, “We can go inside the house or you can keep playing over here on the playground. What do you want to do?” And that’s when he did it.
He came back to me!
He took my hand in his and started walking toward the house. He was tired. He was hot and sweaty (he’d already come to me with his cap in hand and wiped the sweat from his brow onto my shirt sleeve). He was thirsty. He was ready to go back inside.
He came back to me! This gives me so much hope! Hope that he will come back to me again! I don’t believe that his running days are over, but I have hope that he will once again stop and listen and come back to me. I don’t expect his silent days to be over in a flash, but I have hope that one day his voice will come back to me! I don’t expect constant contact, but I have hope that some day those beautiful blue eyes will catch mine and linger more often than drift away…. Someday!
Someday he will come back to me!
I won’t give up! I can’t give up, because God has never given up on me.
Miracles In The Making 